When you care about someone you think for them, about them, and of them. You think ; She must be upset by this. He wouldn’t like this one bit. I’m sure he hasn’t figured it out yet, I should help. I wonder what she’s doing now. Why is she not here? Why is she really not here? Did I upset him? I must have he’s not talking much have I hurt him?

You don’t just say “I’m here for you” you actually ARE THERE without being called. You just know.

You think it’s easy to truly care? Not this half-ass commitment thing people have going on these days, I mean all the way. It’s rare, truly. Infact, I’ve neither seen nor experienced this. Am I blind or not looking hard enough? is it really not there. Are people so desensitized they hardly care for themselves it’ll be dumb to think they’d care for another.

The world is so big so round and so full of both important and unnecessary ‘crap’. You can live life not knowing the difference between these two and paying award-winning attention to ‘crap’.  The real things that matter, love, family, friends and most importantly, God, you ignore or merely brush. You think so long as no one is dead or dying from your absence or complaining about being starved of care everything is super. Just because no one is complaining about how you treat them doesn’t mean you are treating them fine. It could be just that he also doesn’t know how he should actually be treated. He gladly receives that half-baked attention like normality and any extra as a gift. Attention and show of affection is reserved for when you are sick, mourning or celebrating your birthday. God forbid you expect to be treated right on any other day, are you a celebrity?

When you truly honestly care about someone you do your best for them not just in one thing in everything.  You think saying the words “I care about you” is a joke? Think again my friend.

The world would be a better place if people actually did start to care.

Take for example,

I bet we’ve all had to wait for someone. You know that feeling of expectation and sometimes fear of disappointment? It’s not a pleasant feeling right? Yeah.

Why not think of that the next time you make another person wait. If it was bad for you why make someone else go through it?

Be the person that makes a difference.

You love it when you’re home and your brother or father comes home but not empty handed. Ready-made treats, however little, make you happy to see them. Why not reciprocate? Stop coming home empty handed. Don’t you care that you be the reason a person smiles even for one minute in a day?

(Something just happened. I’d just go and cry now, I’d finish up this post later okay? Okay)

If Only

It’s funny… also not funny how much difference a few days make. You have something on your mind you really want to do or say but you don’t because you think it’s too soon. It’s stupid, it’s unnecessary, or you’re just not brave enough. And so you delay… one day, two, and three suddenly you are okay with taking the first step. You’ve played it out so many times in your mind it’s flawless. You set your plan in action. You make a move and hold your breath for a positive answer.

 It comes… but it’s not positive. It’s said softly… but it hurts. It’s what you expected in the first place… but it shocks you.

What makes it worse is when you are told if you had come earlier it might have been positive. If you hadn’t been so scared, if you hadn’t waited so long, if you had only been spontaneous…

If only, if only…

They all come and go, And try to come again and go.

ME: The annoying chain of get attached, get hurt, get attached get hurt again, is the main reason I’m hostile to new relationships. It seems a bitter end is always inevitable and promises that matter are never actually kept. Why start it when you know the end already? I’d rather just avoid disaster.



ME AGAIN: How do you know until you try? If the last hurt you, it doesn’t guarantee the next would hurt you. Don’t punish your next for the mistakes of your past. Be careful however and don’t be quick to trust or commit, but keep this in mind; its better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all.


YOU SEE MY PROBLEM?

It’s funny… also not funny how much difference a few days make. You have something on your mind you really want to do or say but you don’t because you think it’s too soon. It’s stupid, it’s unnecessary, or you’re just not brave enough. And so you delay… one day, two, three and suddenly you are okay with taking the first step. You’ve played it out so many times in your mind it’s flawless. You set your plan in action. You make a move and hold your breath for a positive answer.

It comes… but it’s not positive. It’s said softly… but it hurts. It’s what you expected in the first place… but it shocks you.

What makes it worse is when you are told if you had come earlier it might have been positive. If you hadn’t been so scared, if you hadn’t waited so long, if you had only been spontaneous…

 If only, if only…

Us Seers

I think the problem with girls is we see too far into the future. We create scenarios, some possible and some ridiculously absurd and basically plan out the future. Then things do not go according to plan and we hate the person or reason behind this. A girl meets a guy and plans out their perfectly good future and its all blue skies from here. Or so she thinks. But the guy is merely interested in the here and now. He has no clue or book of directions on how to behave to fulfill said girl’s fantasy. This is why the girl gets mad every time, and the guy remains confused because he has no idea what he is doing wrong

I'm looking forward to dreaming §
I feel so excited my mind is screaming §
I'd bid all goodnight and get into bed §
my fantasies would commence before I rest my head § 
I'd pick up from where I left off earlier today §
with a smile on my face, Calmly i lay §
why can't these dreams ever come true?? §
Why do i go to sleep high and live the day blue? §
I wouldn't stop dreaming though §
whether they'd come true or not, this i don't know §
but if such joy can be derived from this experience §
I'd rather dream big, be hopeful and accept the consequence § 
I'm looking forward to dreaming §I feel so excited my mind is screaming §
I'd bid all goodnight and get into bed §
my fantasies would commence before I rest my head § 
I'd pick up from where I left off earlier today §
with a smile on my face, Calmly i lay...◆

It's a new year and im glad
Im grateful, excited and not a bit sad.
I told myself on the last day,
 " you're entering a new year okay?
subtract your regrets, bad memories and hurt, 
multiply your happiness, happy thoughts and worth, 
add positive thinking, hope and joy, 
pray more, love wisely and laugh wholeheartedly. 
Dance if you want, say what you think and live freely. 
Step out of the shackles and self inflicted inhibitions, 
Know youself and stop being a mass of contradictions.  
Time to stop imagining and start doing, 
it'll be hard sometimes but keep going. 
Surround yourself with people that make you happy, 
make people smile even though your day might be crappy. 
Learn to see through fake friends who would never last long, 
who would play and end just like a 4 minutes song. 
Look out for love if you must somehow, 
it's not as great as you think you know that now. 
Bare in mind people would come and go, 
stop being surprised when true colours show.
Expect little- get disappointed less.
Expect nothing, no disappointment- no mess. 
Live in service to God and others, 
treat all like sisters and brothers.

◆ You only get one life, live life before it leaves you. Dream big, no one can stop you. Live your dreams too it's actually in your power! Take that first little step and all others after, exhibit a cheerful demeanor as you go. Fight all battles with a smile, works like a charm. Say 'please', 'thank you', 'God bless you, ' have some of mine', 'you're welcome', and 'you look great' more often. When you're sad, read this post and remember your promise to be glad... Never lie to someone that trusts you. Never trust someone that lied to you. Most importantly,  stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it...◆ Happy New Year everyone

The silence only fills my head with noise..

You have to be your own hero... because sometimes, the people you can't live without can live without you.

When someone is already down, don't push the person further. If you have no words of encouragement, shut up or don't visit.

Is it still denial when you know you're in denial?

Today I laughed.... I laughed like i haven't in a long time and it felt really good. Im smiling as I post this and thinking to myself, 'I wish I can keep this up'. Despite the many reasons I came up with to not be happy, I was chided and persuaded to damn them and Boy!, am i glad. I'm thankful for my family, I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for the grace to end another day, I'm thankful for the grace to be called a 'blessing to others'. I'm thankful for plantain chips (what would my life be without you?), I'm thankful for my life. And -because right now I'm courageous and convinced enough to say it- I know that no matter how bad things get, it wouldn't always be that way. It may seem so bad you don't see a future, hold on and pray, laugh and smile (fake if you have to) and say you are fine until you start to believe yourself.

Cause you don't think the last time could be the last time, you think you have forever. You don't.

Ive been given a two days ultimatum to write a list of things I want to do this Christmas. So far, all I've written is, 'Stuff i want to do this Christmas- 1) '. I can think of a few things but id rather not. Has something to do with the fact that I don't want to have expectations.

A poem would be nice i guess
it shouldn't be hard, it's not chess
it'll make you smile i pray
it's your birthday and this is how I'd pay
roses are red, violets are blue
why this is a rhyme i have no clue
it's your birthday and im feeling gay
hope you are too, it's December not may
'you're older today' all would say
it's your day now isn't it Jay? :)
As you jump and dance your fears away
i want to wish you a Happy birthday:) 
Happy Birthday Jay :) wish you all the best from the bumbum of my heart... Have fun! :D

I finally looked in a calendar few minutes ago and 'discovered' we are already in December. Before I looked, I'd been patiently waiting for December and stubbornly refusing to think of Christmas. Everytime the thought comes that Christmas is near, i cover it up with another thought. Im not very sure why I do this, I have various reasons however. One of them being that I fear this Christmas would be the worst. Another being that I don't want to expect too much from anybody, anything or even 'anyday' anymore. Well enough of the sour thoughts. What I actually wish to write about is something I promised myself to 'build a bridge and get over'. Although the foundation of this bridge is in place, I keep unintentionally knocking it down. When that happens, I have to being the painful process again but thankfully, it hurts less to build this time. I know eventually I would get midway or even complete this bridge, I can't see myself getting over it but i know that's just my eyes blurred by tears. They'd stop pretty soon, I'd rise right after that and I'd gallantly get to the other side. Well would you look at that.. So much for not writing about it -_-

May Monday be fruitful Tuesday happy Wednesday fun filled Thursday blissful Friday joyous Saturday memorable and Sunday, blessed. Have a great week :)

It's 10:05pm. My sisters are chatting over my head and im pretending to be listening. Sister reunions are meant to be chatty-talky-nonsleepy but i feel a little, ok, alot detached tonight. And so id write! I have a mind full of unsaid things, a constipation of words and a diarrhea of emotions. I don't think people understand how stressful it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself. I'd write just 3 out of my very messy mass of thoughts. ◆ I have a strong desire to change myself, to be better, but i also have this desperate need to love myself as i am. No one can love you like you deserve except yourself. And if i don't love me, who will?! ◆ Don't let people treat you like a cigarette; use you when they're bored & step on you when they're done. Be like drugs, make them crave you. ◆ I knew I matured when I realized every situation doesn't need a reaction, sometimes you just got to leave people to do the lame shit that they do. Not everyone you lose is a loss ◆

Im not sure if it's being finally alone or if it's the effect of memories, but the feeling is either back or it never left. All week long ive been hyper and happy, refusing to think about it or let it bother me. I asked myself if i really wasn't bothered and i couldn't answer. I prayed that whatever it is that was keeping me going please stay. Was passionately hoping it wasn't just a passing phase and then depression would come. First it was confusion then disbelief. Followed closely by denial and then pure hurt (This was the longest most excruciating phase). Anger followed but didn't last long fortunately. Acceptance and then rejection battled denial, all three making me a mass of contradictions and more confused than i normally am.. Then came 'nonchalance'. With the feeling ( or well acted pretence) of not caring I could be happy, smile and laugh till i almost choked. But that lasted merely four days, depression is setting in.. It's been 4 hours since it started. I prayed(apparently not hard enough), sang 'recovery' songs, danced a bit but nothing seems to work. Im writing to ease some of it and hoping when im done id be a whole lot better. Christmas carols on T.v, text messages im in no mood to reply, a sweating 'zobolo' drink staring me down and cushioned by my aunt's favourite chair. I want to remember this moment as the day i almost lost it but didn't quite. As the day i finally became as strong as i desperately need to be and the day i finally let go.. But honestly, i don't think it's today.. No, not this moment.

Started this post with about 10 different sentences. None of which seemed to suit my purpose. Ive had a tremendously painful October but November seems to be looking up. Last month i posted some 'realizations', here are some more : 1) no matter how bad things get (and believe me, they can get REALLY bad), they wouldn't always be that way. Even when it seems all hope is lost and you doubt you'd ever be happy again, just know it wouldn't last forever. A time would come when you'd look back and wonder why you ever worried so much. You'd wish you could go back and tell yourself 'it gets better'. When you're down, pretend That time has come. Look upon every minute of the future as a happy one. One that makes you sing 'my past is over' and every worry gone. Even if you still feel bad, tell yourself you can't believe you ever felt bad and you wouldn't anymore. You just might start to believe yourself. There would be times when you breakdown again and it's like you're back where you began, take heart. You're not pathetic or weak, it's pretty normal. Just know it would only last as long as you let it. Do things that make you happy, pay attention to those friends you've been ignoring, a little sunshine never hurt, eat, live and keep smiling till it comes naturally . 2) STAY AWAY from music that relates to how you feel when you're sad. You enjoy a song when you're happy, when you're sad you understand it's lyrics. I have first hand recent experience and i for one know how great it is to find a song which's lyrics tell your story to the letter. I also know how damaging and unhelpful this is. I created a playlist last month called 'my mood now'. Every song in it told my story and said words i really wished i had guts and opportunity to say. Day in, day out i listened to them I'd sit alone and wallow in grief till the tears came. Or id sing along, think and think some more, constantly reminded of my pain. This continued till i kicked myself in the rump and decided to get my act together. I created another playlist called 'Recovery'. This one had all the words i wished i was strong enough to say, and lyrics i daily tried to act. Im not as bitter anymore. I listen to this playlist when sadness tries to creep in and i feel a whole lot better. I know it's really nice to have someone that understands exactly how you feel even if it's through a song but i advice you to 'stay the hell away' from them. 3) Usually we seek people's advice when we are confused and don't know what to do. We go to people we trust and people we think are experienced and wise. Sometimes we are so desperate we'd settle for just anyone. When we get these opinions we decide to go with the most convincing and common one. Yes it is true no man is an island and these contributions can be quite helpful but, before blindly following, advice yourself. Our judgement would most likely be clouded in times of emotional crisis but adhering to people's opinions cause we are in no suitable position to make them ourselves can be dangerous. Why not pray about it instead? I believe in the holyspirt and i know he leads us when we let him. Ask him to be your advisor and actually listen. Your solution would come and it wouldn't come alone, it'll come with peace of mind. 4) last for now, Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but worse to regret. Appreciate what you have right now because you don't always get a second chance. Don't take love for granted. Even if you don't feel the same way, take a minute to sit and think how much it took for the person to give himself/herself to you and appreciate it. Jesus allowed his body to be tortured and torn just for us. This is real love and not acknowledging or respecting it is a shameful sin. In everyday reality, some people give their all and are shunned because they are probably 'not good enough' to the recipient. If you do this, Stop. Tell them you appreciate it but you're sorry you can't return it. Girls who shun guys because 'they get that alot' and vise versa. You don't always have to be rude about it. Don't scar an innocent heart for life because it's not yours.

I think so i can't sleep Because i can't sleep i think i write so i can't sleep because i can't sleep i write i cry because im hurt and i can't sleep because i cry i can't sleep im hurt because i have been played im hurt because i have been blinded im hurt because i have been lied to im hurt because i have been be-littled im hurt because i allowed this to be so im hurt because i didn't see it coming im hurt because i could have avoided it im hurt because all my hope is lost im hurt because im not hiding this im hurt because im weak im hurt because no one fully understands im hurt because i have to face the reality of my mistake everyday im hurt and so i cry i cry and so i can't sleep, because i can't sleep i write...

I SMELL CHRISTMAS

I smell Christmas. The smell is faint and almost hard to notice but i smell it. It'll be my first Christmas away from family and for that im sad. But ive got family here too so id make the most of it... Back in Nigeria, the jingles started in November, every advert came with a Christmas carol and ended with 'seasons Greetings!'. We got Christmas lights (fairy lights) every year because we never seemed to be able to save it for the next.Decorating started in December. I was always in charge of decorating the tree and I absolutely LOVED my job. Im my house, anything that looked really nice and could hang went on the tree, our tree was the only one i ever saw with artificial flowers. Mom and dad would come home with colourful balls and Christmas cards they got from friends, we'd string these (along with birthday cards for volume) across the ceiling and they looked ever so festive... Christmas food shopping was ALWAYS done on Christmas morning. Yhh we went shopping the day before or the week before but there was always some crucial thing we had to get that morning (usually Chicken). For as long as i can remember, i haven't taken a shower till about 3pm on Christmas day. No it's not deliberate, i was just always swamped with market, cooking and eating to shower early. Maybe this year id break that tradition, not being home and all.'Home alone' is our Christmas movie. We watch it every year and never ever get tired of it, i used to love to see my father laugh at Kevin's smart traps every year like he didn't see them in the last.. Mom would say the lines in-sync with the characters and id try to say too.. Last year i wasn't feeling 'christmasy' and i promised myself for the whole season i wouldn't say 'merry Christmas' to anyone and got away with it. All i said was 'same to you' when i had to. Do you know about the 'shame to you' prank? My friends let me in on it as a kid. We said 'shame to you' instead of 'same to you' and laughed our butts off when adults didn't notice. Id say it to someone this year for old time sake.. Hahaha. I don't want to make plans for this Christmas. Im hoping  my friends would make plans and include me. That way it's not in my power to mess it up. This year however, id say as many 'merry Christmas' s as i can! So MERRY CHRISTMAS to YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My sister promised me a plot of land by this time next year, i laughed and said id document it. This is my documentation.

So, tossed and turned this past hour ive decided to write so maybe id be peaceful enough to sleep. Listening to 'stop and stare- one republic' great song.. Did a lot of thinking today and ive realized im not who i want to be. Im too weak and forgiving to survive this world. Im stupidly emotional and i let it show. What happened to stoic me? When it was just me, music and a book life was lonely but worth it. Less drama and no room for hurt. I really don't want to be left alone at the same time i so want to be away from people. Id probably fail as a communicator if i keep this up. Haha im talking to myself, before you judge me, we all doubt ourselves at some point i guess im there. Ok, back to soliloquy. I see movies where people say encouraging stuff staring at a mirror and feel better. I tried that today, i think it worked for a while :). I wonder if i should blog this, almost makes no sense... Well one door closed (more like slammed in my face and broke my nose) and about 10 others opened. Im not so hopeless after all! If i keep these doors open, in no time id be a horse riding ,guitar playing, black-belt holder with a record deal and a Career in radio! (I'd post this with the consolation that it's MY blog and most of my readers are out of the continent) peace out!!

"The Story Of Us"
I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,How we met and the sparks flew instantly,People would say, "They're the lucky ones."I used to know my place was a spot next to you,Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.a simple complication,Miscommunications lead to fall-out.So many things that I wish you knew,So many walls that I can't break through.Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.Next chapter.How'd we end up this way?See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,And you're doing your best to avoid me.I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us,How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,But you held your pride like you should've held me.Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,Why are we pretending this is nothing?I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,I've never heard silence quite this loud.Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.This is looking like a contest,Of who can act like they care less,But I liked it better when you were on my side.The battle's in your hands now,But I would lay my armor downIf you said you'd rather love than fight.So many things that you wished I knew,But the story of us might be ending soon.Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now.And we're not speaking,And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate 'cause we're going down,And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.The end.

I think Ghanaians are too preoccupied with sex. There are too many ads on tv and on the radio about pills that would make men stronger and extra fit to 'perform' in bed. It's basically the order of the day now.

So much for the 5th of every month..

Ok. So in my 19 years of existence ive come to realize alot of things. Few of my most recent realizations include: 1) you would always meet people who have alot in Common with you. This does not mean you are soulmates or perfect for each other. Stop bonding out of over-excited hormones and spontaneous chat. You'd more often than not get hurt. This is where 'she is not who i thought she was' or 'he has changed' are the end results. Yes she is not who you thought she was, you drew your conclusions too soon. No he hasn't changed, you just never actually Knew him. 2) Most people aren't anti-social. They choose to be alone because they hate spending time with stupid people. 3) Some girls don't realize what they're worth, some guys don't realize what they have. Appreciate what you have right now, because you don't always get a second chance. 4) They say if you love someone, let them go to see if they come back. But if you really love someone, you shouldn't ever let them go. 5) I learned this from someone who used to mean a whole lot to me recently, don't wait for the perfect time before you say what needs to be said. Time goes by fast along with the person. Say it while you still can. 5) This is one that evidence so far has led me to believe is not true. But i really do hope it is. - One day you're going to meet someone who makes you feel happy, beautiful, and stands by you even when you feel you don't deserve them. And this time it'll last. 6) If you're half as confused as i am, a To-do list is a helluva lot of help. Just remember the 'Do' part 7) Money is not everything. I wouldn't be a naive saint and say it's not important because i know it is. I also know however that God, Family and Friends are most important. People put more value on money and neglect to build stable strong relationships with family and friends. Money wouldn't mourn you. Money wouldn't bury you. Money wouldnt call to wish you happy birthday, money isn't human money wouldn't hug you back, money wouldn't love you back. Humans should control money and not the other way around. 8) Just because she doesn't love you the way you want her to, doesn't mean she doesn't love you with everything she has. Just because he doesn't say the lines according to how you scripted it in your head doesn't make what he says any less important. Appreciate people for who they are. Not who you want them to be. 9) Don't ever call anyone ugly. At least not to their face.

"Don't make promises you can't keep" I think we say this all the time but seldom actually think to live it. At the moment of making that promise, we really think it's possible to fulfill and neglect future reality. I think we sometimes really want to keep our promises but circumstances wouldn't let us. Other times the spirit in which the promise was made is lost and the zeal to fulfill, long gone. This happens all the time and still we make more never-to-be-fulfilled promises that the word itself starts to loose it's value. How about we respect this word and work to keep it? A conscious effort is all it takes. Care enough to fulfill your promises or don't even make them at all. Do you promise to do this?

I need a distraction some sort of side attraction my heart is in a terrible condition my mind a mass of contradictions it doesn't fit in my prediction i felt no premonition my life riddled with complications oh how i wish i had a distraction i feel an obligation to be fine and not to mention this hurt i feel to any creation no one would understand my trepidation if i could get a distraction, i can pretend im not in this condition my happiness is facing destruction my hope and faith, a reduction i need a distraction i need one that wouldn't pay attention to my depressing mood and imperfection i need a distraction... I need a distraction...

Ever been so heartbroken you literally felt your heart break? That painful ache that makes you loose your breath and long for a release.. You wish you could be numb to it all and tell yourself it's not worth it. Try to think happy thoughts that just wouldn't stay, constantly trying to understand why it even had to happen, trying to figure out if you really deserve it and wondering what went wrong... You've felt this pain before, you were fine after a while. Hopefully it'll be the same again. You know you'd be okay eventually but not now... Not tonight

"Life is what we make it" . If you want to be happy, just be. where your mind goes, your energy flows. Making a conscious decision to not be bothered no matter what, to not over-think (because it screws you), to see the cup as half full and never half empty, make people smile and smile yourself helps you have a stable happy life. Its not as easy as it sounds however. I for one want to be happy a lot of times. I want to always have a smiley happy heart and make people glad every chance i get. So far ive been able to hone on my making-people-smile skills, it's making myself happy that's the real chore. And it's not that i don't try. I feel someone should actually care if im happy or not. I don't make people smile because i want a reward, sometimes i just wish the tables would turn . My problem could be that i suck at keeping friends. Yes i do. I give awesome advice on friendship and relationships but ALWAYS seem to have problems with mine. I cut ties quick, act like it wasn't hard to do and cry inside. Sometimes i think having friends would make me happy, i join a clique and the only thing i can think of is how i don't fit in and would rather be alone with music. Half the time im the reason im sad. I always expect too much from people because im willing to do so much for them. No matter how many times humans prove me wrong i never learn. I get hurt and im depressed. Bye bye happiness. Its like all the good backfires. "don't make a person a priority when he makes you an option". This is one step to avoid hurt and sadness. "don't expect much from people. Chances are they'd fail you". "be the friend you wish you had" it's similar to "do unto other what you want done to you". (i nodded off about 5 times writing this piece.. Haha. It's obvious i need rest!) im going to sleep now.. I'd say a prayer for a happy life not just for myself but for whoever reads this post. But don't just wish it... Live it

When you're happy you enjoy the song. When you're sad you understand the lyrics. Daughtry's learn my lesson is staring to make more sense. Good morning, it's a Sunday. Going to church? I am. Im on the quest to find a Big distraction before i self-destruct. The writer in me is not very coherent this morning so I'd post later...

What i am to you is not real. What i am to you, you do not need◆

somethings cant be unsaid, somethings can't be 'unfelt', something's can't be unseen no matter there reason behind them. The air might be cleared, soothing words said, but the initial wrenching feeling of your heartbreaking can never be fully forgotten...

Rainy days have always made me glad. I might look sad on some but it's just cause the dark clouds help me connect with my deepest emotions. For that im glad. My mother never stopped me from dancing in the rain. She made me take a warm bath after and bundle up but never stopped me.. I love her for that. I get in the rain every chance i get. There is something magical about being beaten by cool water from an apparently wiiidddddeeeee shower head. As a child i was told whenever God washed his face it became rain. I believed God's face must be massive to need that much water. People say they love staying in bed when it rains. No sir, not me. If im not already asleep before the rain, no way i will till it's over. I take walks in the rain, slowly ofcourse. Sometimes i release pent up frustration by crying. No one can tell because it's hard to differentiate between tears and rain water.. Ive never been kissed in the rain. I long for it though. I have danced and even taken baths in it... I love it when the skin on my fingers and toes wrinkle because of the water. My feet and hands turn really white and i feel super clean! After the rain, i bundle up and walk around surveying the aftermath of the downpour. On hot days i imagine this particular time and i can almost smell freshly beaten earth... I want the rains now.. I want to watch my mom cover her ears hard when it thunders... I want to stick my toes in muddy earth and count earthworms.. I want the rains.

Does anyone else do this? Create fantasy scenarios of a completely perfect tale in their head they can always go back to and pick up where they left off when the chance to daydream arises. I do. I do alot. And sometimes it's so good i actually look forward to going to bed so i can have a bit of my heaven before im unconscious. And they don't just give faint feelings of happiness, they leave lingering joy in the back of my mind allday. Sometimes i find myself happy and im wondering why. Then i remember my fantasy and get right back to it. It's like a getaway. It IS a getaway. Instances that can never possibly happen, should have happened, might happen if im brave and lucky enough. I didn't have one last night id have shared. I would soon as i get to it. Have a great day, drink lots of water, smile for absolutely no reason whenever you can and don't forget to thank God for today!!!

Due to my commitment to posting twice daily till i get used to blogging, im posting again tonight. Note that i have no central idea, too many inspirations and conflicting emotions with no name tags. So none really differs from the other, making writing about any hard. Id try anyway. Have you ever been numb? Unfeeling and passive it's like heavenly bliss and you can't even feel it. Ive attained this a few times. I long for it most times, much like i do now. Im not getting it though. Im not that lucky. Besides, i know a certain someone who would verbally kick my ass if i dare. Do you know what it's like to not be able to focus on just one thought for 1 full minute? I do. It's massively confusing and im about to display my expertise in humming bird thinking, moving on to something else! The perks of being kind of short( which is what i am. Call me short and id rearrange your face). Im 5ft'6 (i counted very inch) which if i do say so myself, is an average height for a girl my age. And as opposed to what tall people think 'it must be hell being so close to the ground', NO it's not. I mean i get jeans that fit me fine easily, i can sit in a bus without folding my knees because they don't fit, it's so easy to kiss my forehead(take a hint!), it's not always easy to reach high thing but tall people love to help and they think it's cute! I can actually jump in a room without being scared of a painful shave from the fan, i really can sleep on ANY couch without feeling like a crab in a sock the next day. Men seem to think im not much of a threat which gives me an advantage to catch em' offguard. I can not stress how easy it is to get clothes that fit! I feel like ive just rambled on and it's time for a change of subject. I think im rambling because there's something really big on my mind i don't want to address. Im stalling myself. Not cool. Id go to sleep now. My next post would actually be deep i promise. Night!

Fitful sleep and a raging headache. That's what i get for over thinking. Is this my diary? I think id go with yes for now. Well.., nothing some more pain killers can't solve. I just made a decision this very minute. Id have a HAPPY, FUN and MEMORABLE DAY. It's my right after a supersweetnasty week. God is the author of my life. Im telling him all my worries and leaving it all to him. Im asking him to please forgive me my sins and give me the strength and will not to repeat. Im asking him to please show me the right way and help me decide. Im asking him to watch over my little angels, Richard and Cynthia. I know he can see just how much i miss them and how it's tearing me apart that i haven't and can't see them.. I beg him to please watch over my mother. Please keep her till she reaps the fruit of her labour. Infact fruitS. Please show my father the right way and take him out of the one he's in now. I thank you for my aunt and brother. I thank you for my other sisters and brother. I thank you for blessing me with smiling acquaintances daily, i thank you for Stefan. I thank you for opening a new exciting chapter in my life and please help me not to mess it up. I thank You for answered prayers.. Good morning

One bad thought + left alone for hours + sad music= terrible wreck of a girl. My true story right now. It's not something i want, it's not conscious it just happens. I tend to overthink things, negatively or positively, either way it never ends well. I either want or wish for something so bad i create scenes of it happening in my head. And then it doesn't happen. Doesn't even come close to happening and im bummed. Or i wonder why someone did something in particular. I don't get an answer and i start to give numerous possible and sometimes impossible reasons till im in doubt and scared or hurt even... I hate this trait and i feel ive failed as a good lovable human (again) but possessing this quality. Physically it hurts. Heart beats too fast, head hurts, keep sighing and i appear frustrated( much like i do right now)... This is my therapy.. When i have no friends to talk to and the one person i wish i could is most likely mad at me for even harboring thoughts like this..