May Monday be fruitful Tuesday happy Wednesday fun filled Thursday blissful Friday joyous Saturday memorable and Sunday, blessed. Have a great week :)

It's 10:05pm. My sisters are chatting over my head and im pretending to be listening. Sister reunions are meant to be chatty-talky-nonsleepy but i feel a little, ok, alot detached tonight. And so id write! I have a mind full of unsaid things, a constipation of words and a diarrhea of emotions. I don't think people understand how stressful it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself. I'd write just 3 out of my very messy mass of thoughts. ◆ I have a strong desire to change myself, to be better, but i also have this desperate need to love myself as i am. No one can love you like you deserve except yourself. And if i don't love me, who will?! ◆ Don't let people treat you like a cigarette; use you when they're bored & step on you when they're done. Be like drugs, make them crave you. ◆ I knew I matured when I realized every situation doesn't need a reaction, sometimes you just got to leave people to do the lame shit that they do. Not everyone you lose is a loss ◆

Im not sure if it's being finally alone or if it's the effect of memories, but the feeling is either back or it never left. All week long ive been hyper and happy, refusing to think about it or let it bother me. I asked myself if i really wasn't bothered and i couldn't answer. I prayed that whatever it is that was keeping me going please stay. Was passionately hoping it wasn't just a passing phase and then depression would come. First it was confusion then disbelief. Followed closely by denial and then pure hurt (This was the longest most excruciating phase). Anger followed but didn't last long fortunately. Acceptance and then rejection battled denial, all three making me a mass of contradictions and more confused than i normally am.. Then came 'nonchalance'. With the feeling ( or well acted pretence) of not caring I could be happy, smile and laugh till i almost choked. But that lasted merely four days, depression is setting in.. It's been 4 hours since it started. I prayed(apparently not hard enough), sang 'recovery' songs, danced a bit but nothing seems to work. Im writing to ease some of it and hoping when im done id be a whole lot better. Christmas carols on T.v, text messages im in no mood to reply, a sweating 'zobolo' drink staring me down and cushioned by my aunt's favourite chair. I want to remember this moment as the day i almost lost it but didn't quite. As the day i finally became as strong as i desperately need to be and the day i finally let go.. But honestly, i don't think it's today.. No, not this moment.

Started this post with about 10 different sentences. None of which seemed to suit my purpose. Ive had a tremendously painful October but November seems to be looking up. Last month i posted some 'realizations', here are some more : 1) no matter how bad things get (and believe me, they can get REALLY bad), they wouldn't always be that way. Even when it seems all hope is lost and you doubt you'd ever be happy again, just know it wouldn't last forever. A time would come when you'd look back and wonder why you ever worried so much. You'd wish you could go back and tell yourself 'it gets better'. When you're down, pretend That time has come. Look upon every minute of the future as a happy one. One that makes you sing 'my past is over' and every worry gone. Even if you still feel bad, tell yourself you can't believe you ever felt bad and you wouldn't anymore. You just might start to believe yourself. There would be times when you breakdown again and it's like you're back where you began, take heart. You're not pathetic or weak, it's pretty normal. Just know it would only last as long as you let it. Do things that make you happy, pay attention to those friends you've been ignoring, a little sunshine never hurt, eat, live and keep smiling till it comes naturally . 2) STAY AWAY from music that relates to how you feel when you're sad. You enjoy a song when you're happy, when you're sad you understand it's lyrics. I have first hand recent experience and i for one know how great it is to find a song which's lyrics tell your story to the letter. I also know how damaging and unhelpful this is. I created a playlist last month called 'my mood now'. Every song in it told my story and said words i really wished i had guts and opportunity to say. Day in, day out i listened to them I'd sit alone and wallow in grief till the tears came. Or id sing along, think and think some more, constantly reminded of my pain. This continued till i kicked myself in the rump and decided to get my act together. I created another playlist called 'Recovery'. This one had all the words i wished i was strong enough to say, and lyrics i daily tried to act. Im not as bitter anymore. I listen to this playlist when sadness tries to creep in and i feel a whole lot better. I know it's really nice to have someone that understands exactly how you feel even if it's through a song but i advice you to 'stay the hell away' from them. 3) Usually we seek people's advice when we are confused and don't know what to do. We go to people we trust and people we think are experienced and wise. Sometimes we are so desperate we'd settle for just anyone. When we get these opinions we decide to go with the most convincing and common one. Yes it is true no man is an island and these contributions can be quite helpful but, before blindly following, advice yourself. Our judgement would most likely be clouded in times of emotional crisis but adhering to people's opinions cause we are in no suitable position to make them ourselves can be dangerous. Why not pray about it instead? I believe in the holyspirt and i know he leads us when we let him. Ask him to be your advisor and actually listen. Your solution would come and it wouldn't come alone, it'll come with peace of mind. 4) last for now, Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but worse to regret. Appreciate what you have right now because you don't always get a second chance. Don't take love for granted. Even if you don't feel the same way, take a minute to sit and think how much it took for the person to give himself/herself to you and appreciate it. Jesus allowed his body to be tortured and torn just for us. This is real love and not acknowledging or respecting it is a shameful sin. In everyday reality, some people give their all and are shunned because they are probably 'not good enough' to the recipient. If you do this, Stop. Tell them you appreciate it but you're sorry you can't return it. Girls who shun guys because 'they get that alot' and vise versa. You don't always have to be rude about it. Don't scar an innocent heart for life because it's not yours.

I think so i can't sleep Because i can't sleep i think i write so i can't sleep because i can't sleep i write i cry because im hurt and i can't sleep because i cry i can't sleep im hurt because i have been played im hurt because i have been blinded im hurt because i have been lied to im hurt because i have been be-littled im hurt because i allowed this to be so im hurt because i didn't see it coming im hurt because i could have avoided it im hurt because all my hope is lost im hurt because im not hiding this im hurt because im weak im hurt because no one fully understands im hurt because i have to face the reality of my mistake everyday im hurt and so i cry i cry and so i can't sleep, because i can't sleep i write...

I SMELL CHRISTMAS

I smell Christmas. The smell is faint and almost hard to notice but i smell it. It'll be my first Christmas away from family and for that im sad. But ive got family here too so id make the most of it... Back in Nigeria, the jingles started in November, every advert came with a Christmas carol and ended with 'seasons Greetings!'. We got Christmas lights (fairy lights) every year because we never seemed to be able to save it for the next.Decorating started in December. I was always in charge of decorating the tree and I absolutely LOVED my job. Im my house, anything that looked really nice and could hang went on the tree, our tree was the only one i ever saw with artificial flowers. Mom and dad would come home with colourful balls and Christmas cards they got from friends, we'd string these (along with birthday cards for volume) across the ceiling and they looked ever so festive... Christmas food shopping was ALWAYS done on Christmas morning. Yhh we went shopping the day before or the week before but there was always some crucial thing we had to get that morning (usually Chicken). For as long as i can remember, i haven't taken a shower till about 3pm on Christmas day. No it's not deliberate, i was just always swamped with market, cooking and eating to shower early. Maybe this year id break that tradition, not being home and all.'Home alone' is our Christmas movie. We watch it every year and never ever get tired of it, i used to love to see my father laugh at Kevin's smart traps every year like he didn't see them in the last.. Mom would say the lines in-sync with the characters and id try to say too.. Last year i wasn't feeling 'christmasy' and i promised myself for the whole season i wouldn't say 'merry Christmas' to anyone and got away with it. All i said was 'same to you' when i had to. Do you know about the 'shame to you' prank? My friends let me in on it as a kid. We said 'shame to you' instead of 'same to you' and laughed our butts off when adults didn't notice. Id say it to someone this year for old time sake.. Hahaha. I don't want to make plans for this Christmas. Im hoping  my friends would make plans and include me. That way it's not in my power to mess it up. This year however, id say as many 'merry Christmas' s as i can! So MERRY CHRISTMAS to YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My sister promised me a plot of land by this time next year, i laughed and said id document it. This is my documentation.

So, tossed and turned this past hour ive decided to write so maybe id be peaceful enough to sleep. Listening to 'stop and stare- one republic' great song.. Did a lot of thinking today and ive realized im not who i want to be. Im too weak and forgiving to survive this world. Im stupidly emotional and i let it show. What happened to stoic me? When it was just me, music and a book life was lonely but worth it. Less drama and no room for hurt. I really don't want to be left alone at the same time i so want to be away from people. Id probably fail as a communicator if i keep this up. Haha im talking to myself, before you judge me, we all doubt ourselves at some point i guess im there. Ok, back to soliloquy. I see movies where people say encouraging stuff staring at a mirror and feel better. I tried that today, i think it worked for a while :). I wonder if i should blog this, almost makes no sense... Well one door closed (more like slammed in my face and broke my nose) and about 10 others opened. Im not so hopeless after all! If i keep these doors open, in no time id be a horse riding ,guitar playing, black-belt holder with a record deal and a Career in radio! (I'd post this with the consolation that it's MY blog and most of my readers are out of the continent) peace out!!

"The Story Of Us"
I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,How we met and the sparks flew instantly,People would say, "They're the lucky ones."I used to know my place was a spot next to you,Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.a simple complication,Miscommunications lead to fall-out.So many things that I wish you knew,So many walls that I can't break through.Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.Next chapter.How'd we end up this way?See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,And you're doing your best to avoid me.I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us,How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,But you held your pride like you should've held me.Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,Why are we pretending this is nothing?I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,I've never heard silence quite this loud.Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.This is looking like a contest,Of who can act like they care less,But I liked it better when you were on my side.The battle's in your hands now,But I would lay my armor downIf you said you'd rather love than fight.So many things that you wished I knew,But the story of us might be ending soon.Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now.And we're not speaking,And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate 'cause we're going down,And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.The end.

I think Ghanaians are too preoccupied with sex. There are too many ads on tv and on the radio about pills that would make men stronger and extra fit to 'perform' in bed. It's basically the order of the day now.

So much for the 5th of every month..

Ok. So in my 19 years of existence ive come to realize alot of things. Few of my most recent realizations include: 1) you would always meet people who have alot in Common with you. This does not mean you are soulmates or perfect for each other. Stop bonding out of over-excited hormones and spontaneous chat. You'd more often than not get hurt. This is where 'she is not who i thought she was' or 'he has changed' are the end results. Yes she is not who you thought she was, you drew your conclusions too soon. No he hasn't changed, you just never actually Knew him. 2) Most people aren't anti-social. They choose to be alone because they hate spending time with stupid people. 3) Some girls don't realize what they're worth, some guys don't realize what they have. Appreciate what you have right now, because you don't always get a second chance. 4) They say if you love someone, let them go to see if they come back. But if you really love someone, you shouldn't ever let them go. 5) I learned this from someone who used to mean a whole lot to me recently, don't wait for the perfect time before you say what needs to be said. Time goes by fast along with the person. Say it while you still can. 5) This is one that evidence so far has led me to believe is not true. But i really do hope it is. - One day you're going to meet someone who makes you feel happy, beautiful, and stands by you even when you feel you don't deserve them. And this time it'll last. 6) If you're half as confused as i am, a To-do list is a helluva lot of help. Just remember the 'Do' part 7) Money is not everything. I wouldn't be a naive saint and say it's not important because i know it is. I also know however that God, Family and Friends are most important. People put more value on money and neglect to build stable strong relationships with family and friends. Money wouldn't mourn you. Money wouldn't bury you. Money wouldnt call to wish you happy birthday, money isn't human money wouldn't hug you back, money wouldn't love you back. Humans should control money and not the other way around. 8) Just because she doesn't love you the way you want her to, doesn't mean she doesn't love you with everything she has. Just because he doesn't say the lines according to how you scripted it in your head doesn't make what he says any less important. Appreciate people for who they are. Not who you want them to be. 9) Don't ever call anyone ugly. At least not to their face.

"Don't make promises you can't keep" I think we say this all the time but seldom actually think to live it. At the moment of making that promise, we really think it's possible to fulfill and neglect future reality. I think we sometimes really want to keep our promises but circumstances wouldn't let us. Other times the spirit in which the promise was made is lost and the zeal to fulfill, long gone. This happens all the time and still we make more never-to-be-fulfilled promises that the word itself starts to loose it's value. How about we respect this word and work to keep it? A conscious effort is all it takes. Care enough to fulfill your promises or don't even make them at all. Do you promise to do this?