I need a distraction some sort of side attraction my heart is in a terrible condition my mind a mass of contradictions it doesn't fit in my prediction i felt no premonition my life riddled with complications oh how i wish i had a distraction i feel an obligation to be fine and not to mention this hurt i feel to any creation no one would understand my trepidation if i could get a distraction, i can pretend im not in this condition my happiness is facing destruction my hope and faith, a reduction i need a distraction i need one that wouldn't pay attention to my depressing mood and imperfection i need a distraction... I need a distraction...

Ever been so heartbroken you literally felt your heart break? That painful ache that makes you loose your breath and long for a release.. You wish you could be numb to it all and tell yourself it's not worth it. Try to think happy thoughts that just wouldn't stay, constantly trying to understand why it even had to happen, trying to figure out if you really deserve it and wondering what went wrong... You've felt this pain before, you were fine after a while. Hopefully it'll be the same again. You know you'd be okay eventually but not now... Not tonight

"Life is what we make it" . If you want to be happy, just be. where your mind goes, your energy flows. Making a conscious decision to not be bothered no matter what, to not over-think (because it screws you), to see the cup as half full and never half empty, make people smile and smile yourself helps you have a stable happy life. Its not as easy as it sounds however. I for one want to be happy a lot of times. I want to always have a smiley happy heart and make people glad every chance i get. So far ive been able to hone on my making-people-smile skills, it's making myself happy that's the real chore. And it's not that i don't try. I feel someone should actually care if im happy or not. I don't make people smile because i want a reward, sometimes i just wish the tables would turn . My problem could be that i suck at keeping friends. Yes i do. I give awesome advice on friendship and relationships but ALWAYS seem to have problems with mine. I cut ties quick, act like it wasn't hard to do and cry inside. Sometimes i think having friends would make me happy, i join a clique and the only thing i can think of is how i don't fit in and would rather be alone with music. Half the time im the reason im sad. I always expect too much from people because im willing to do so much for them. No matter how many times humans prove me wrong i never learn. I get hurt and im depressed. Bye bye happiness. Its like all the good backfires. "don't make a person a priority when he makes you an option". This is one step to avoid hurt and sadness. "don't expect much from people. Chances are they'd fail you". "be the friend you wish you had" it's similar to "do unto other what you want done to you". (i nodded off about 5 times writing this piece.. Haha. It's obvious i need rest!) im going to sleep now.. I'd say a prayer for a happy life not just for myself but for whoever reads this post. But don't just wish it... Live it

When you're happy you enjoy the song. When you're sad you understand the lyrics. Daughtry's learn my lesson is staring to make more sense. Good morning, it's a Sunday. Going to church? I am. Im on the quest to find a Big distraction before i self-destruct. The writer in me is not very coherent this morning so I'd post later...

What i am to you is not real. What i am to you, you do not need◆

somethings cant be unsaid, somethings can't be 'unfelt', something's can't be unseen no matter there reason behind them. The air might be cleared, soothing words said, but the initial wrenching feeling of your heartbreaking can never be fully forgotten...

Rainy days have always made me glad. I might look sad on some but it's just cause the dark clouds help me connect with my deepest emotions. For that im glad. My mother never stopped me from dancing in the rain. She made me take a warm bath after and bundle up but never stopped me.. I love her for that. I get in the rain every chance i get. There is something magical about being beaten by cool water from an apparently wiiidddddeeeee shower head. As a child i was told whenever God washed his face it became rain. I believed God's face must be massive to need that much water. People say they love staying in bed when it rains. No sir, not me. If im not already asleep before the rain, no way i will till it's over. I take walks in the rain, slowly ofcourse. Sometimes i release pent up frustration by crying. No one can tell because it's hard to differentiate between tears and rain water.. Ive never been kissed in the rain. I long for it though. I have danced and even taken baths in it... I love it when the skin on my fingers and toes wrinkle because of the water. My feet and hands turn really white and i feel super clean! After the rain, i bundle up and walk around surveying the aftermath of the downpour. On hot days i imagine this particular time and i can almost smell freshly beaten earth... I want the rains now.. I want to watch my mom cover her ears hard when it thunders... I want to stick my toes in muddy earth and count earthworms.. I want the rains.

Does anyone else do this? Create fantasy scenarios of a completely perfect tale in their head they can always go back to and pick up where they left off when the chance to daydream arises. I do. I do alot. And sometimes it's so good i actually look forward to going to bed so i can have a bit of my heaven before im unconscious. And they don't just give faint feelings of happiness, they leave lingering joy in the back of my mind allday. Sometimes i find myself happy and im wondering why. Then i remember my fantasy and get right back to it. It's like a getaway. It IS a getaway. Instances that can never possibly happen, should have happened, might happen if im brave and lucky enough. I didn't have one last night id have shared. I would soon as i get to it. Have a great day, drink lots of water, smile for absolutely no reason whenever you can and don't forget to thank God for today!!!

Due to my commitment to posting twice daily till i get used to blogging, im posting again tonight. Note that i have no central idea, too many inspirations and conflicting emotions with no name tags. So none really differs from the other, making writing about any hard. Id try anyway. Have you ever been numb? Unfeeling and passive it's like heavenly bliss and you can't even feel it. Ive attained this a few times. I long for it most times, much like i do now. Im not getting it though. Im not that lucky. Besides, i know a certain someone who would verbally kick my ass if i dare. Do you know what it's like to not be able to focus on just one thought for 1 full minute? I do. It's massively confusing and im about to display my expertise in humming bird thinking, moving on to something else! The perks of being kind of short( which is what i am. Call me short and id rearrange your face). Im 5ft'6 (i counted very inch) which if i do say so myself, is an average height for a girl my age. And as opposed to what tall people think 'it must be hell being so close to the ground', NO it's not. I mean i get jeans that fit me fine easily, i can sit in a bus without folding my knees because they don't fit, it's so easy to kiss my forehead(take a hint!), it's not always easy to reach high thing but tall people love to help and they think it's cute! I can actually jump in a room without being scared of a painful shave from the fan, i really can sleep on ANY couch without feeling like a crab in a sock the next day. Men seem to think im not much of a threat which gives me an advantage to catch em' offguard. I can not stress how easy it is to get clothes that fit! I feel like ive just rambled on and it's time for a change of subject. I think im rambling because there's something really big on my mind i don't want to address. Im stalling myself. Not cool. Id go to sleep now. My next post would actually be deep i promise. Night!

Fitful sleep and a raging headache. That's what i get for over thinking. Is this my diary? I think id go with yes for now. Well.., nothing some more pain killers can't solve. I just made a decision this very minute. Id have a HAPPY, FUN and MEMORABLE DAY. It's my right after a supersweetnasty week. God is the author of my life. Im telling him all my worries and leaving it all to him. Im asking him to please forgive me my sins and give me the strength and will not to repeat. Im asking him to please show me the right way and help me decide. Im asking him to watch over my little angels, Richard and Cynthia. I know he can see just how much i miss them and how it's tearing me apart that i haven't and can't see them.. I beg him to please watch over my mother. Please keep her till she reaps the fruit of her labour. Infact fruitS. Please show my father the right way and take him out of the one he's in now. I thank you for my aunt and brother. I thank you for my other sisters and brother. I thank you for blessing me with smiling acquaintances daily, i thank you for Stefan. I thank you for opening a new exciting chapter in my life and please help me not to mess it up. I thank You for answered prayers.. Good morning

One bad thought + left alone for hours + sad music= terrible wreck of a girl. My true story right now. It's not something i want, it's not conscious it just happens. I tend to overthink things, negatively or positively, either way it never ends well. I either want or wish for something so bad i create scenes of it happening in my head. And then it doesn't happen. Doesn't even come close to happening and im bummed. Or i wonder why someone did something in particular. I don't get an answer and i start to give numerous possible and sometimes impossible reasons till im in doubt and scared or hurt even... I hate this trait and i feel ive failed as a good lovable human (again) but possessing this quality. Physically it hurts. Heart beats too fast, head hurts, keep sighing and i appear frustrated( much like i do right now)... This is my therapy.. When i have no friends to talk to and the one person i wish i could is most likely mad at me for even harboring thoughts like this..