Im not sure if it's being finally alone or if it's the effect of memories, but the feeling is either back or it never left. All week long ive been hyper and happy, refusing to think about it or let it bother me. I asked myself if i really wasn't bothered and i couldn't answer. I prayed that whatever it is that was keeping me going please stay. Was passionately hoping it wasn't just a passing phase and then depression would come. First it was confusion then disbelief. Followed closely by denial and then pure hurt (This was the longest most excruciating phase). Anger followed but didn't last long fortunately. Acceptance and then rejection battled denial, all three making me a mass of contradictions and more confused than i normally am.. Then came 'nonchalance'. With the feeling ( or well acted pretence) of not caring I could be happy, smile and laugh till i almost choked. But that lasted merely four days, depression is setting in.. It's been 4 hours since it started. I prayed(apparently not hard enough), sang 'recovery' songs, danced a bit but nothing seems to work. Im writing to ease some of it and hoping when im done id be a whole lot better. Christmas carols on T.v, text messages im in no mood to reply, a sweating 'zobolo' drink staring me down and cushioned by my aunt's favourite chair. I want to remember this moment as the day i almost lost it but didn't quite. As the day i finally became as strong as i desperately need to be and the day i finally let go.. But honestly, i don't think it's today.. No, not this moment.